wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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