Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
