Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
