im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
