First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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