I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
