This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
