She went from zero to smokin in five shots
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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