threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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