i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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