were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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