she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
