If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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