So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
