someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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