His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
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You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
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I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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