the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
