I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
