she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
