Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.