At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
