awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just wanna be euthanized
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban