You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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