so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
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some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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