Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
