It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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