I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
