i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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