I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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