Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
