She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
