Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
