im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
