Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
