I never want to see another naked old woman again.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
