you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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