You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize