THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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