there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
