shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
