Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We don't watch enough power rangers
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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