This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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