how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
