Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
