capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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