Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
