just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Little spoons don't ask big questions
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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