hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
