Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
