i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
it's like iHOP with fire
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
