The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
