I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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