Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
